Fuck you bitch. Get over yourself. You act more and more like ashley every day. and thats not good AT ALL. you get all mad when things dont go your way and you always need to be right and when someone points out your imperfections you dont even react nicely youre such a fucking bitch. and the worst part is that you get all these awesome really nice guys that you dont fucking deserve and you like breaking their hearts. you like being cold hearted. your just a mean girl and i understand why people can like you at first, but your shallow and sometimes not a good person. ive reached the core of you to figure that out.

I really like this guy Andrew Mancia (his friends call him Mancy) and I don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. We’ve only hung out like 3 times lol! But I’m seriously into him, and he seems to feel the same way, according to his friends. We have so much in common and he’s adorable! He kinda looks like my friend Ian who’s really hot but without blue eyes. But still, he’s really cute and sweet and kinda funny but in the lame way like me hahaha. I swear, the only flaw i find in him is that he’s kinda short. I promise you that’s the only problem… That small detail, and i honestly don’t care bc he’s <333 to die for cute hehe ok im lame and i have a little girl crush lmao. I actually kinda sound like a stalker now hahahahahaha, saying this and I barely know him. But… idk I feel like I dooo. He’s smart and nerdy and he missed my birthday party to finish a project hahahahahaha which only made me like him more of course. He gets nervous around me and he only starts engaging in lame small talk when he’s drunk bahaha I hope when we hangout this saturday we can be chill bc that was the best part of meeting him! we had so much in common that we weren’t weird around each other. So the fact that we’re both naturally shy and awkward doesn’t really work in our favor, but who cares, I’m really willing to talk to him and go up to him throughout the night, except not excessively hahahahah i don’t want him to think im creepy

you know, I hear isa wasnt a good person from inside, but she always gets what she wants bc she makes it happen and she doesnt bother with other ppls bullshit about it. like she can be a whiny bitch about her parents bc they dont give her freedom but her time will come to be alone bc everyone’s does. But i look at her as so blessed. She’s beautiful, smart, well off, fashionable, skinny, fortunate to have traveled and experienced, has such a sweet bf, has a group of beautiful bf, and even though they arent “supposedly” that great, they get along and they love eachother and i envy that. she also has an awesome smile, green eyes, pretty hair, she got into friken UF…hahaha she has everything im lacking. she’s even easy to get along with bc she has such a quirky personality. it’s funny that shes so weird. and even though i think im quirky and cute and funny and weird and my smile is ok or i dont look that fat or im kinda smart… i think shes so much better than me, like why is it that everyone likes her. its impossible for guys not to want her… hot guys and they actually try with her. i get dumb guys that are semi attractive most of the time, or creepy nerds, or awkwardness, or really nice guys that are actually messed up they just one your friends over… ugh ok. forget about the past steph. Guy wise, i would be so lucky to have mancy and i hope this pimple on my cheek goes away lol so i dont have anything stopping me… its really throwing off my game and i feel like he wont like me if he sees it. :( im sad about my love life. no one is perfect for me… no one that ive met yet. :(:( 

i really should stop feeling bad for myself bc isa is awesome but that doesnt mean im bad.I shouldnt compare myself to others because as long as i want to be great, i cant be her. she’ll be great too but theyre is nothing to compare about us, because im awesome in my own seperate want that we dont even have in common. I love myself. i love everything i have. i love my sister, my mom, my dad, everyone. I dont fight with others. I love to laugh. I sleep peacefully at night. I have opportunities in life. I help others. I WILL HELP OTHERS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, SELFLESSLY. 

Cristi always tries to pick a fight. just let it be fuck. im not going to let her get me angry. even though she says she always wants to know why im angry, it always pushes me to a more angrier spot, even when im already fine, i think i just like feeling like” ok im fine already dont tell me im mad when i was mad from beofre just put it behind you and dont accknowledge that.” WHATEVURRRR. I’m happy and I love God. I can’t wait to leave for college and go to church. FINALLY. lol im going to rebel on all the things my parents werent leaniant with. LOL I’m going to college and my way of rebelling is going to CHURCH bahahah others would think im so weird. but im finally happy that im going to get a better connection with God, FINALLY <3

and i hate for people to think im angry. like i hate when ppl nkow im mad. it makes me feel like i sound crazy, maybe its bc no one would expect me to be angry with them. i get so jealous and i hate showing it. i like to be percieved as somewhat mysterious. you odnt know if im tough on the inside. i hate the fact that someone should know me one day… i like it but i hate it. it’s going to be hard for me to open up with my future husband lol

I’m going to do these things :)

And now that my friend appologized, I feel a lot better. Hahaha a little relieved even. like i feel relaxed after typing my thoughts and now that she’s sorry im not mad :) hahahahahaha ok im so bipolar thats not even funny. but it’s amazing how quickly i forgive. i hate having that coldness in my heart, even if i shouldnt forgive that fast bc thats how ppl become manipulated and taken advantage of

SO that’s that. I dont want friends like that right now. My decision is final. I will get straight As. I HAVE TO IVE ALWAY WANTED TO AND I KNOW I CAN IF ACTUALLY DO MY STUFF SO I WILL. I have to stop being negative about myself. I need to apply to scholarships and css. do good in dade. RUN YOUR ASS OFF. HAVE FUN. WORK SO YOU CAN PROVIDE FOR YOURSELF

Fuck it. YOLO

No like really, YOLO.

Tomorrow im going to go to mancy’s house. I will friken get his number. I’m going to stop being unassertive and fake-nice. If you bother me, im going to be a bitch. Im going to stop being with my friends for a while because im not getting what i want from my life and i need to make things happen. 

SO NOTE TO FUCKING SELF: 

If you want to get skinny… you need to fucking go running right now.

you want money… get a job now.

you want mancy… go fucking talk to him and be yourself.

you want to go far in life… apply yourself and do your shit. no stalling and organizing and making dumb list. just get you fucking shit done.

you want to be happy and have better friends: laugh at dumb stuff that will make you happy and hang out with who you feel like hanging out with, not with who you feel obligated to.

Fuck ppl are so fricken annoying. always complaining that they cant have everything they want. WAH I WANT TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. well fuck. i didn’t get into friken uf….. i got the summer semester for F I FRIKEN U….. i fail at life. i just want to get into fordham and get an awesome scholarship and fall in love… be alone and explore and meeet new ppl. i love my friends bc im grateful to have someone to talk to, to not be completely lonely and look like a loser… but i hate them because they never come thru. theyre not my real friends and its sad to think ill forget about them… but i know this is true. we dont have a strong friendship that theyll call me up and tell me of a change in plans or let me know when to do something or about something in theyre life. ttheyre fake and they take advantage and they cant be trusted. i feel like i cant compeletely let them in adn see who i truely am. i hate them sometimes. they do things that bother me a lotttt. i think the only one…. nope nevermind. they alll friken suck and theyre shady as uck and they dont do things like bf should for eachother. you should fucking tell me that our fucking valentines day plans changed and that youre going to do what we were going to with youre fucking precious sga group. omg sga love you guys class of 2012 sgalife woo we rock. fuck that. go. i’ll just spend valentines AND today alone. no biggie. I hate you all so fucking much. i just want mancy and fordham and a scholarship and a dog and health and live a long fulfilled fun life. FUCKKKK. but no. you go. you go complain that aw i might go to california for my bday to see my good friends and not pay for food or stay, but ugh it’s out of my own money… which isnt your money… which is your mom’s money that she gives you everything and youre also going to bu… ok dont worry, cool. Like i know i shouldnt be complaigning AT ALL.. i have things to be grateful for, but fuck i just want to hang out with my friends… like why the hell wouldnt you think i was going… you never even asked me what i was doing on valentines day in the first place, what a great friend you are. and no one even paid me back for my bday. i dont even care about the money its the fact that that’s just rude bc it was MY birthday and i used MY birthday money to buy everything that YOU guys drank… but what did i get in return, you bitches cant even pay me back. you didnt even pretend to have fun.